You Still Watching This Mess?

Okay, so I wasn't going to blog about the Bachelor this season, for a few reasons.  One, it takes time and energy.  Both of which I don't feel I have tons of in the evening lately.  Two, I'm planning on watching some of the episodes with some girlfriends (the premier party was OH SO FUN!) and so I am able to spout off about the ridiculousness in person often enough. And three, well, it's Nick, and he's gross, and to be honest I wasn't sure how much of this season I would be fast forwarding anyway.  So, I didn't blog about the premier (remember: oh so fun premier party, and you're all invited to my other parties BTW), but there was lots to laugh about and plenty to make you cringe about!  I had my favorites, Vanessa our Russian speaking special ed teacher and Danielle M the darling short haired blond baby nurse!

The next episode (last weeks) was such a disappointment.  Really.  It was gross.  And it made me ill to think that women have been so warped by media to think that sex is the best way to get a guy.  It was classless and nasty.  Ya know, I've always joked that watching The Bachelor was my dirty little secret, but despite a couple weird/disturbing group dates and the ridiculous fantasy suite episodes, for the most part it's just silly fun.  But I ended watching last week thinking, yuck.  One night stands and Janet Jackson magazine cover poses were not funny or entertaining.  Just sad.

But here I am watching the next episode, hoping (fingers crossed!!) that things will be better.  I want my light hearted ridiculous dating show back.  Well about 20 minutes into the show I couldn't keep myself from picking up the computer to laugh with SOMEONE out there about what I was seeing!!

So we started off with the rose ceremony.  It was a To Be Continued last week.  I'm not going to even comment about Corinne and how she represents everything that is wrong in the world.  Someone take that girl and teach her she has more assets than her assets. She luckily she slept through the rose ceremony (who does that??), and he kicked off 3 girls.  On to the rest of the show.

The first group date card arrives and it goes to pretty Hawaiian looking Danielle L, Christen (who I think will end up as "the good friend" rather than the "girlfriend), Russian orphan turned beauty pageant contestant Christina, sweet looking Whitney, gorgeous Indian with rad braided bun Taylor, intense dallas cowboys cheerleader Jasmine, and Corinne (an unexcited yay is mumbled by a couple of the girls).  And then the music starts and the Backstreet Boys, looking as old as I feel, walk in to the room of 20 something squealing girls.  Nothing new to them.  I'm fairly certain AJ had a black toupee on.  Brian needs a little help from that spray on hair company to fill in the male pattern baldness that the camera happened to focus on way to often.  I had to look up their names to type that.  I was more of a NSYNC kind of girl.  I'm actually surprised these Bachelorettes know who these guys are.  They were cool when I was a kid/teenager, like 50 years ago.   Sarah exclaimed "Twelve year old me is dying on the inside", pretty sure she was 12 about 2 years ago, but what evs.  Maybe they're all really into "the classics".   So they're all so excited as they show up in their lycra to learn to dance with the Backstreet Boys.  While the other girls did a great job shaking their booty and trying to learn the steps, Corinne was off crying because she looked like a chicken trying to do the moves.  Can't say I feel bad for her.  At the concert Danielle got picked to slow dance awkwardly with Nick alone on the stage while they were being serenaded.   Not romantic.  The after party started with Corinne in a dress, was it a dress? it was missing most of the skirt, stealing him for some alone time first.  Her nanny needs to sew the missing part back on.  Yes, her nanny, no she doesn't have children.  Jasmine must have a lot of double sided tape keeping her dress from flopping open.  We got a peek at the roaming hands of Nick Viall during his one on one time with Danielle!  Wowsers dude, I think that's the first bum slap I've seen on this show.  ugh he's gross.  But he liked what he had in his hands, and gave her the rose.

The one on one went to my girl Vanessa!  (Yes that means my 2 favorites got the first two one on one dates).  If only he was good enough for these girls.  They actually had a super cool date, getting to experience zero gravity in a plane.  She was darling bouncing around, until she puked!  But for the first time I liked Nick, cuz he was super sweet taking care of her and reassuring her, puke bag after puke bag.  Once the nausea subsided they met up on a rooftop sky rise, and over their fake food Nick sheds tears as he discusses his vulnerability.  THIS is why this guy captures the hearts of so many girls.  They have an intimate moment, sharing their optimism in this crazy adventure and he gives her the rose.  I like her.  A lot.  For someone else.

Next group date goes to smart and driven Rachel (who got the first impression rose), loud and obnoxious New Jersey girl Alexis (who thinks sharks are dolphins), as weird as her name Astrid, ring in the nose Jaime (who may be confused if she's here to date Nick or one of the girls), if I were to cut my hair I'd cut it like hers Sarah, Brittney, and Dominique (got nothin' for those last two).  It's a Nick-athalon with 3 Olympic gold medalists.  The prize is makeout time in a hot tub, but you have to wear your nasty lycra workout clothes into the water.  No time for a swim suit change apparently.  Astrid won the race, kind of, and later also won WORST outfit ever on the history of this show (one weird pantsuit).  Dominique pushed Nick too hard about showing her more attention and was told to leave.  And Rachel, who I love, got the next rose.  Another girl who deserves better, but she's been added to my list of favs.  I never know if I should root for the coolest girls this season.  Man I really wish we had a different Bachelor.

Chris announces no cocktail party, instead Nick wants a pool party.  Surprise.  Surprise.  I'll just say 3 words.  Corinne.  Bounce.  House.  This is me rolling my eyes and then pushing the fast forward button on my remote!  Vanessa said it best when she cornered him and asked "are you here for a wife or just to mess around" (okay she used a different word, but I prefer this one).  We're all wondering the same thing.  Things were left off in the To Be Continued status.  Boo.

So are you all still watching?  If so, do you dare root for an awesome girl to get an awful guy?  Or do some of you out there actually like him?  If so enlighten me.

And see, now its way after midnight and I have to be waking up a kid for school by 6:40.  What was I thinking staying up to write this? 😳

Where in the world is Urugauy?

Two weeks ago we were left with a cliffhanger.  Was Chad going back to the guys place to kick some booty?  The boys were beyond thrilled at the dramatic removal of his suitcase.  Partying began.  Chad's protein powder was left at their mercy, and became the charred remains of their archenemy, excitedly thrown into the wind.  But as things settled down, someone spots a face staring in the front door window.  It couldn't be.  Was Chad back for his, now scattered along the backyard, protein powder?  Was he coming to make good on all the crazy threats?  Or, as we see unfold, was he there to confirm that he's a moron and to continue to show the world that he is a magnet for conflict and anger?  He leaves (hopefully for ever) and then Alex arrives and is greeted with delirious chants that he has slain the Dragon and a mini fireworks show in their living room ensues.

Cut to the cocktail party/rose ceremony.  Everyone is fighting for time with yet another super sparkly with a side cutout clad JoJo.  Without Chad there to blame everything on the guys are starting to see each other as competition again.  Luke, who apparently has been taking hair styling tips from Jordan (the hair just keeps getting bigger!) is bold enough to tell her he's falling for her.  Robby makes out with her out by a fountain.  Jordan doesn't take her more than 5 feet away from the guys before they're lip locked.  And Evan wanders around angry that he hasn't had anytime with her, while we all wonder why in the world he's even still here!

The roses go to Derrick from the office, shifty Robby, Chase, darling DJ Wells, Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, and Evan (seriously she must be forced to keep this guy on!  There is no way she really likes him!). 

As champagne glasses clink she announces that they're off to Uruguay, and since most of the people watching this high class show don't know where Uruguay is, they kindly show us a map.  Shortly after arriving Jordan scores the first one one one date.  They're on a yacht, she's tangling her self around him in her bikini while he flips his big hair back and forth, until they reach the seals they get to frolic with.  Over fake dinner, JoJo confronts Jordan with the fact that she knew one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends.  He looks like he just got a sucker punch to the face.  But it actually turns out to be a good conversation, about where he's been, how he's changed, and he does such a good job explaining that she hands him the rose.

Back at the Bachelor pad, Vinny the Barber bonds with the guys while cutting their hair as they flip through tabloid magazines.  And what do they find?  An article about the girl they love (aka lust after) and how she is still in love with her old boyfriend and is only on the show for some good camera time.  Insert jealousy and insecurity here.  I'm betting the producers of abc dropped those magazines in that room.  Without Chad around they're desperate for some drama.  And they got it.  Oh the tears and bleeped out curse words were numerous.  But in the end, the boys heard what they wanted to hear.  That JoJo was there for the right reasons, and her ex was a bleepin' bad guy. 

The Uruguayan group date with Luke, Derrick, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex is in the windiest weather ever and they're going sand boarding.  Basically its snowboarding but in sand.  All I could think of was how sand would be in every single crevice after a thing like that.  That evening, after a good hose down, the one on ones were filled with reassurances and kissing and jealousy.  And a rose for Derrick from the Office.  I think I like him only because I'm mushing Jim from the office and Derrick from the office into one person.

Last date is with Slimy Robby.  She's in another baggy sweater and short cutoffs.  He's dressed for a hipster night out.  They run around in the city and then find themselves on a cliff  by the ocean.  They just "happen" to have swimsuits on under their clothes and good water shoes on their feet for this "spontaneous" jump.  I've watched long enough to know the show was just dying for a place to insert the symbolic date where they compare doing something scary to falling (or jumping) into love.  PS, that was the weakest "cliff" jump ever.  The cameras should've been following Bryan and I on one of our first dates where I jumped off a cliff more than twice that size with Bry.  Yeah, I'm bragging.  The things we do for love.  That night Robby, with his blazer and his man bracelet on, tells JoJo that he loves her.  Riiiiiiiiight.  This is the like the first time he has spent more than 15 minutes alone with this girl, and he thinks he loves her.  Whatever, it gets him a rose though.

Boys arrive for the cocktail party, and after a bunch of teenage girly man drama, they're told by Chris Harrison that JoJo is sure about her decisions so they're going to skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony.  I'm desperately hoping that Evan and his horrible floppy haircut will be going home, that short on height but bursting with cockiness Alex will be sent packing, and that Grant and his big chin and small personality will exit.  JoJo, in her green and third side cutout dress of this episode (nothing like highlighting the muffin top area of our body) gives the roses to Cowboy Luke, Chase (let's hope we get to know him better next week), Annoying Alex (boo), James Taylor aaaaaand Wells!  I was holding my breath on that last rose.  Wells needs a one on one!  For my sake at least!  But that means we're saying goodbye to Evan and Grant!  Two outta three ain't bad!  And it's bye bye Vinny.  The guys will miss your haircuts! 

Now we're getting down to some real possibilities!  Do you really think Jordan is bad news?  Is Derrick a nice person or are we all getting duped by his Jim persona?  And do any of you think Robby has something to hide?  I need you all here with me to discuss these important things ;)

GI Joe VS the Hulk (ya know, cuz he's violent, bulging and unstable!)

So, it's back already, and the boys are all awaiting the results of Chris' talk with Chad.  Many were hoping he'd be sent home for his barbaric behavior, but ha!  Why would Chris jeopardize an opportunity to have the most dramatic season ever?!  I'm positive that he and the producers are secretly hoping an all out brawl will breakout.  So back Chad goes, with a push to be nice and to say he's sorry.  And while he's in trying or NOT trying to apologize for his roid rage, I'm sure the staff was busy stocking up the alcohol by the pool.  Gotta get the drama going somehow!  JoJo arrives and hugs all the topless fellows with their weird necklaces on.  I wondered for a bit if one of them was an avid bead and jewelry hobbiest, and had decided to make everyone some friendship necklaces, until I saw that their microphone packs were connected to them!  Thanks abc for making sure we don't miss a word they say while they're in their swimsuits!

JoJo looks slammin' in her rope and black bikini.  I'm thinking I need a good spray tan, and maybe shouldn't have just eaten those 4 Ghiradelli squares.   What am I saying, no amount of cutting out chocolate will get me back to pre baby body.  But that tan is doing wonders for her.  Maybe it gave her the confidence to do things in a swimsuit I'd never attempt, like jumping up and wrapping your legs around someone, or couples yoga poolside.

After the pool party, the sunscreen is washed off and the real suits are put on.  JoJo arrives in a sparkly stomach baring cocktail dress.  My stretch marks would look especially great in a dress like that.  And the roses go to mandibularly enhanced Grant (my hubby the maxillofacial surgeon would get a kick out of me using those words), Derrick from the Office, Jordan (who's hair I swear is getting bigger in each episode), Cowboy Luke (who totally needs a one on one date so I can get to know him better), Robby (something seems too slick about that guy), Wells (the only real boy in the group, the kind of normal guy that lives next door), James F, Vinny (his name makes me think he's shady), Canadian Vampire Daniel, our little square brick Alex and ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  Chad.  Noooooooo.  I am so tired of him and his protein drinks and his nasty beard growing down his neck.

And now, in hopes of leaving the drama behind (yeah right) they're off to Pennsylvania,  I'm sure the boys arrived by commercial plane, but the show wants us to think that JoJo took a biplane across country.  In their awesome rustic hotel, Cowboy Luuuuuuke gets the first one one one!  I've so been looking forward to this.  A group of sled dogs pulls Luke and JoJo (in a great leather jacket and blanket looking scarf) to their backwoods version of a Bachelor hot tub, fueled by the wood Luke himself had to chop.  Sounded heavenly until JoJo, in her cobalt blue spiderweb cleavage bikini,  about burnt her behind in the boiling water.  But Cowboy Luke came to her rescue, finding an excuse to grab her bootie and hold her above the water til he could slowly turn her into a lobster.  That night over a candlelit dinner scene (maybe they don't feed her actual food so she can look so amazing in her swimsuits), we see how freakin' cool Cowboy Luke is as he opens up about his life, his time in Afghanistan, his sensitivity, and what a stellar guy he is!  Luuuuuuuuuuke!!  Of course he gets his rose and then she leads him to yet another private concert, well by private I mean they had their own fog machined stage to themselves while hundreds of people watched them make out.

Derrick, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, Evan, James F, Jordan, Grant and Robby (eek that leaves Chad and Alex on a two on one!) and JoJo arrive for their group date all dressed in their finest active wear.  A few famous football guys that I think I'm supposed to recognize (I'm sure if Bry were home he'd tell me how cool they are) greet the group on a football field.  After a few football drills and some blood, they divide into teams to compete for more time with JoJo.  I'm a little worried for weeny Evan (who was more concerned with how his floppy hair looked with his sweatband so particularly positioned on it.  He looked a bit like he stepped out of a Duran Duran video) and Wells (who pretty much lost the game for his team).  Half the guys head home in their matching sweats outfits feeling like the losers that they are.  The rest, Vinny, Robby, Jordan, Derrick, James Taylor and Evan head out for drinks and some one on one time with JoJo.  Robby is falling in love with JoJo day by day, even though he hasn't spent a single day with her.  Jordan tells her he's falling for her and scores himself a rose.  I'm pretty sure she kissed everyone.

Before we could begin the two on one, we endure lots of threats from Chad aimed at just about anyone that breathes.  Then a helicopter drops Chad and GI Joe Alex off in the middle of nowhere with JoJo to hack their way through the brush.  I'm calling it now, but I think she won't give the rose to either guy.  I just hope they aren't left alone on some rock somewhere, cuz fists will fly!   I want to kick Chad when he says that floating down the river is just about the ONLY thing they have in Oklahoma.  Whatever you dork.  I left a little piece of my heart in that amazing state.  I'm pretty sure Oklahoma doesn't want to claim you either.  After much discussion with both Alex and Chad, JoJo realizes that Chad isn't who he says he is, (and that he's emotionally unstable) and gives Alex the rose.  I was actually very scared for JoJo when she said goodbye to Chad.  But really I should've been worried about the boys back at the hotel, because instead of shipping Chad off to the airport, somehow he was allowed to walk a million miles through the woods back to home base.  We can see what's most important to the staff at ABC!  Bring on the threats and violence.  Hello!  I just want to see some fun dates and rockin' outfits.  I've had enough of this guy.  Even after he's been kicked off we're still going to have to endure watching him in the NEXT episode, because, yes, there's another TO BE CONTINUED!  But this time we have to wait 2 whole weeks!  Torture.

So, who you all rooting for now?

PS There was a commercial calling for Utah gals interested in being on the next Bachelor.  There'll be a "tryout" July 14th downtown.  I wonder if Bryan would be up for me pretending to be single, just so I could get to visit the mansion and stuff.  I'd promise I wouldn't kiss anyone and that I'd try to get voted out the fist night, so things wouldn't go "too far".  Think the producers would be interested in this almost 40, full piece wearing, chocolate eating gal?  heeheehee.

Inappropriate Dates and Inappropriate Behavior

Things start off with a one on one yoga date with Chase and their "intimate yoga" instructor Himalayan Bali (what?  That wasn't her name?).  The weirdest, absolutely not calming at all, version of yoga I've ever seen.  Nothing like straddling each other to connect two strangers.  Afterward we watch the typical uneaten dinner conversation, a rose given and then some major PDA at their own personal concert.

Group date: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex and Chad - The competition and testosterone levels are exploding even before the date starts.  When they arrive at a theater, I must admit I am absolutely floored that a place like this even exists, where there's LOTS of inappropriate dialogue going on.  Can't say that I can go into detail about it cuz I fast forwarded it all once I heard the intro.  Stupid.  But I did catch a scene where Chad in a moment of roid rage punches a metal door and threatens little weeny, floppy haired Evan.  The surprise was our Canadian Vampire actually stands up to his benching buddy Chad and tries to protect Evan.  That night, JoJo in leather and gold sequins, gets a small peek into the boy drama when she gives Evan the rose and Chad doesn't even hide his displeasure with disrespectful comments about him.  Glad she saw a glimpse of the real side of Chad.  Now get this annoying, show stealing jerk out of here!

The last date was so fun!  James Taylor and JoJo in fabulous 40s get ups (LOOOOVED her hair and dress!) are learning how to swing dance, taught by a tiny version of Betty White/Ginger Rogers.  Laughing, dancing, flirting and learning more about each other in a uplifting and delightful atmosphere.  They need more of these kinds of dates!  That night after an apparent shower to get all the hair product out, perched in a super cool old convertible, looking out over a lit up LA, JoJo makes that romantic connection with James Taylor that she was waiting for (aka she made out with him).  And yes (surprise surprise) he whips out his guitar and sings to her.  Rose rewarded!

Back at home we've got a security guard paroling the place to keep things safe.  I'm fairly certain that  large sweet potato and meat eating Chad could take out the security guard.  Hope that guy is carrying some mace or a taser.  Maybe they should pass things like that out at the rose ceremony!  But we'll have to wait and see, because we are left with a To Be Continued.  But we don't have to wait too long!  We get another 2 hours tomorrow night!

Haven't Disliked Someone This Much Since Vienna

Quick recap before I jump into bed - First date goes to Cowboy Luke, Kevin, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F Wells and Robby.  They're talking about how excited they are to be sharing a date with 11 guys when suddenly there's an explosion outside.  Someone has blown up a limo and to the rescue comes JoJo, dressed in the sexy calendar version of a fireman.  Looks like the guys are off on their "hot" date right now (the first of a bazillion fireman puns)!  Group date #1 will take place at a fire academy where they will be put to the test to see who the "real" men are.  Surprise surprise the fireman (in real life) Grant wins.  Thank goodness, cuz the guy would never have lived it down with his buddies back at his fire station if he had lost.  Poor Cute Wells, almost passed out trying to keep up with all the other manly men.  It may have felt a little embarrassing at the time, but it got him the rose in the end.  Totally worth heat stroke dude.

The first one on one date goes to Derrick aka Jim from the Office.  JoJo, in tank top #2, tells him its a date of choices.  Derrick chose wisely.  Sky = private Jet.  North = San Francisco.  Golden Gate Bridge = picnic on the coast.  Rad date.  In her super sparkly black cocktail dress she pulls out his hidden emotions and reservations about falling in love again, and rewards him with a rose.

Next group date is for Jordan, Christian, St Nick, James Taylor, Alex and Chad (who we're pretty much hating by the time this date rolls around).  It's a man's dream date, a trip to ESPN where the hosts of ESPN are putting on some games for the group.  We again witness that Chad doesn't play well with others and would be the WORST husband ever.  Oh could you imagine how "honesty" like that would fly in a marriage?  That night, dressed in an alpaca sweater and leather pants she gave the rose to James Taylor (and I was so glad he didn't sing to her, again).

Cocktail party, in another sparkly dress, this time long and burgundy, she spends her night trying to get to know the guys better.  But her time with the guys was undermined by the drama going on with Chad and the fact that he consumed an entire farm of animals during the party.  I want to punch him in his meat headed face.  Then while he's down, I'll kick his Canadian vampire sidekick in the shins.  Seriously this chump is BAD news.  I'm assuming JoJo had other tender moments going on with her Bachelors but I don't remember any.

Rose Ceremony: roses are given to Alex ("she's just going to keep him around so America doesn't think she hates short people"- ok so that's the one funny thing Chad said all night), Christian, Robby, Cowboy Luke, Chase (scored with his winter wonderland mini date), Jordan, Grant, Ali, The Canadian Vampire, James F, St Nick, Vinny, Evan (how is that possible?  He reminds me of a mime) and to my utter frustration, Chad (who I may have called lots of mean names, that I can't repeat here, throughout this episode, UGH!).

So goodbye Airbrushed James, the hipster, and I think, another James.  Next week we get 2 episodes, YAY!  But I have a feeling I'll be throwing food at the TV for 4 hours just having to endure more time with Chad.  Get him off!

Let The Games Begin!

Wow!  Another season of Bachelorette!  I thought I was going to have to wait until next fall to enjoy my Monday nights again, but to my complete delight I discovered that we'd get a season squeezed in before summer!!  Usually I only celebrate this funny obsession of mine with a party for the finale, but this time I thought I'd throw a premier party too!  So a few friends came over tonight and partook of some sugar, some Bachelorette introductions and even filled out their Bachelorette bracket (it's like March Madness for women!).  The party is almost as fun as the episode, almost ;)

As for the recap, this will be a shorty.  It's already midnight (us girls had too much to giggle about) and I'm ready for bed, so here's some quick thoughts.

JoJo - Have mixed feelings about her being the Bachelorette.  I tend to like the good girls.  Nothing raunchy.  Haven't decided where she sits in this spectrum.  I worry that she likes the wrong kind of guys, which doesn't bode well for a successful ending to this journey.  And by success I mean this relationship actually makes it to a wedding.

The guys-
**Alex - a marine, who is wider than he is tall.  Push ups don't impress girls friend.
**Ali - like as in Muhammed, not like the girl name.  Exotic.  A little too dramatic when on the piano, but hey, the guy plays the piano, so I won't be too picky.
**Brandon - No way
**Chad - digging the beard on him.  But way too Alpha male.  Especially when having to live with 20 guys in close quarters.  Scary.
**Chase - Wore fake glasses and mustache
**Christian - handsome, seems smart, helps take care of two brothers, showed up on a Harley.  He might be the perfect combo for JoJo, bad boy on the outside but sweetheart on the inside
Coley - Eek
**Derek - whoa, he's Jim from The Office!
**Daniel - scary Vampire-looking guy from Canada, token drunk person to strip down and jump into the pool in their underwear.  I'm starting to think this show pays one person to do this on every premier episode
**Evan - Not a chance
**Grant - Fireman
Jake - Landscape Architect
**James F - Owns a boxing club.  JoJo did a little boxing in her evening gown, surprised the "girls" didn't fall out.
**James S - The Bachelor Super Fan.  I bet he was filling out his own Bachelorette bracket through the night.  And why does he look airbrushed all the time?
**James Taylor - true to his name he's a singer songwriter, but not even close to as good as the original
Jonathon - Nope
**Jordan - Pro football Quarterback with some crazy awesome hair.  You could see she thought he was super hot the second he got out of the limo.  He got the first kiss (if you don't count the awkward totally forced kiss with some other weird dude) and the first impression rose.
**Cowboy Luke - who doesn't like a hot cowboy, who gives cool cowboy boots as a gift
**Nick B - aka sweaty Santa.  Nothin' like showing up dressed as a big fat man with a white beard to get a girl excited about you.  no.  This may have worked better if he had come in after the limo intro and changed into a suit and did his hair.  Instead he just looked rumpled and sweaty when she finally peeked at him under his beard.
Nick S - cute and more flexible than me
Peter - where's Peter?  Who's Peter?  Is Peter actually here?
**Robby - was a swimmer.  ok.  so what's Robby do now?  who knows.
Sal - brought his blue balls.  to squeeze.  gross.  Go home.
**Vinny - who's Vinny?
**Wells - now you my friend are ADORABLE!  The traveling quartet was cute, but you didn't even need it.  Please don't be weird.  I really want you to stick around for a while!
**Will- hated your intro

She meets them all.  They drink for like 7 hours.  I can't imagine wearing that dress for so that long!  I would of thrown on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt a couple of hours in.  And then it's time for some roses.  I put ** next to the ones she kept.  Shocked that some of my NO WAYS made it through. Makes me worry about her decision making skills.

Any of you care to guess the final two from what you've seen tonight?  I'm hoping for Wells and Cowboy Luke.  Let the fun begin!

Finale Time!

Finale Time!!  Got my yummy treats beside me and some great friends to giggle with!  Let's do this!

We start things off watching both women looking ponderous in acid wash jean underwear (or were those shorts?) and talking about how much they both loooooove Ben.  And now it's time for both girls to meet Ben's family.  Mama Ben's face was priceless when he told her that he's told two women that he loves them.  Yeah, we all feel what you're feeling Mrs Higgins!  Both girls passed the mom and dad test.  And then both girls had fun last dates (both looking amaaaaazing in their itty bitty bikinis) but were both emotional messes by the end of them.

Ben is confused.  Until his moment with Neil.   Nothing like diamonds to bring clarity, right!?  And suddenly he knows.  We watch the girls get all dolled up.  I'm amazed that either of the girls can get their legs up in the helicopter in those dresses.

We held our breath as the helicopter landed.  Whose bedazzled heels are we seeing???  It's the pink sequined mermaid dress!  Our jaws absolutely dropped.  JoJo is being dumped!!  Or is she?  Every once in a while they trick us.  Maybe this is one of those times.  But then we see Ben's face.  He looks like he's going to throw up.  JoJo goes into her confessions of love, as we cringe.  Why do they let them do that?  He lets her down as best as he could.  It would stink to be dumped in front of the whole nation.  She handles it like a champ.  And off she goes in her limo.

Before the next helicopter arrives, Ben makes an important phone call to Lauren's dad, to ask him for his daughter's hand in marriage.  SO great to have a guy wait to do that, instead of the dorks who ask 4 different dad's for their daughters hand (just in case) while they're visiting on their hometown dates.  That's just wrong.  Once he had dad's blessing (fist pump in the air) it was time for helicopter #2 to arrive.  Lauren looks fabulous in royal blue.  Lauren loves Ben.  Ben loves Lauren.  There's a proposal and a very happy engaged couple.

Now to the After the Rose… that dragged on forever.  The interview with an even hotter, with longer extensions, JoJo was excruciating and needed to be about 10 minutes shorter.  And then we see the happy couple together, Lauren in a darling white lace dress, talking about how happy they are together and how much they look forward to their future… which DOESN'T include a shotgun wedding without all their family and friends, there on the stage of your show Chris Harrison.  Dumb suggestion.

Chris then stands to announce the next Bachelorette.  I already saw on FB that Caila is the new Bachelorette.  Not so excited about this.  But then another surprise!  They tricked us!  It's not Caila, it's JoJo!   Love that decision!  I'm excited to watch her for another season!  I just hope she ditches the weird Lee Press On nails she wears.   Why does the fall have to be so far away?!   I already can't wait.  Withdrawls begin.

Women Tell All

The despised Women Tell All.  I know I've said this before, but I hate this episode!  It encompasses all that's terrible about the competitive and mean side of women.  Women attacking women is just ugly.  I seriously wouldn't even watch it if it weren't for the bloopers reel…which was ok this episode.  I fast forwarded Chris and Ben's visits to the Bachelor parties.  Lame.  Though I'm excited for my own finale party next week.  It's way more fun to yell at the TV with a few more ladies by your side doing it with you!  But as for the rest of the show, it was pretty lame too.  The girls picked on each other and were embarrassed about things they had said behind each others backs.  Caila decided not to wear her false eyelashes, or maybe she wasn't contouring, but something was different about her face.  Olivia's short haircut looks better but her white jumpsuit was awful.  Lace attracted a crazy who tattooed her face on his body!  Amanda and Becca looked gorgeous (and I coulda sworn Becca was wearing a ring on her left ring finger!).  I agreed with Chris and couldn't tell who was who with the Double Mint twins.  There was lots of tears, lots of awesome lipstick colors and too much cleavage.

So now we gotta wait a whole week to find out how this things going to end!!!  I can't wait!!!

I Love You! And You Too!

Fantasy date episode in Jamaica has arrived!

First up, Caila.  She has picked out a weird sports bra thing and shorts combo to wear on her date.  I would never pick a half top knowing there's a chance I could be sitting in a raft for hours while floating down a river.  But I guess she hasn't been pregnant with 5 kids so her tummy rolls aren't an issue.  I'd have to lean back and suck it in for the 3 hour tour!  Our usually perky Caila is abnormally quiet and there's lots of awkward silence, except for someone serenading them on their raft with some sort of wind instrument (or maybe we're the only ones hearing it?).  That night they put on actual clothes and the Sandals Resort (who got in lots of product placement this episode), set up a couch on the beach for a romantic spot to talk.  Ben asks what has been wrong with her.   "It's crazy that you noticed that I didn't talk to you today" or smile or bounce around like a 14 year old teenager like she usually does, she responds.  Ben gets her to spill her feelings and before she can hold back again, she spits out that she loves him.  This earns her the expected fantasy suite card, which she excepts and excitedly slips into her bikini for some fireworks as they kiss in the ocean.  That wet bikini bum sits itself on their fantasy suite bed for a make out session before the cameras are kicked out.  I read an article where he said that his religious beliefs helped him make a decision not to go too far in the fantasy suites, so I'm choosing to think they giggled and kissed into the night, despite what the show wants you to think.

The next morning, probably mere minutes after kissing Caila goodbye, he's off to greet Lauren, in her toosh showing shorts.  They bum a ride in some local fisherman's rickety little boat (could they not find a nicer mode of transpiration?) out to an island to help save baby sea turtles.  Was anyone else waiting for a sea gull to come swoop one up on its way to the water?  Then it's another make out session with another hot body in the ocean.  Rough life for Ben.  That night, in a skin tight bubble gum pink lycra half top dress, they dance to some reggae and then head to a dinner that they're not actually going to eat.  I've decided that they eat dinner somewhere else off camera and then set up a romantic setting with a fake dinner as a scene for talking to take place, because no one wants to see them talk with a mouth full of food I guess.  Of course she accepts the invitation letter, totally not written by Chris Harrison (I'm fairly certain he doesn't have big bubbly handwriting) for the fantasy suite.  There she musters up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him and, dun dun dun, he tells her that he loves her!!  For those big Bachelor fans out there, you know what a HUGE deal this is!  The Bachelor DOES NOT DO THIS!  And for good reason! But Ben is breakin' the rules, that rebel, and actually reciprocates her feelings!  You can see the shock and excitement on her face.  She thinks she's got this in the bag!  He is hers!  They make out.  Cut to the next scene where he is waking up next to girl #2, both giddy and in love.

He heads home, takes a shower and heads out to see girl #3.  Ben in his frumpy uniform of V-neck and shorts escorts JoJo to their Helicopter of Love and it takes them to some beautiful waterfalls.  It's yet another gorgeous body in a satin bikini.  She tells him she loves him and because he's so practiced at it now he tells her that he loves her TOO!!  It's like a train wreck.  So awful that you have to keep watching.  She's so surprised by his BIG announcement that she gets emotional.  Dude you just dug yourself in a hole!!!   I just ache for these girls.  Because of his declaration they feel so safe!  All those guarded walls come tumbling down with those 3 words because they think they are the one!  Next scene, he's again sitting next to his fake dinner, positioned next to a river, delivering another fantasy suite card.  Then there's another required bikini in the bedroom scene accompanied by exchanged I love yous.  JoJo's brothers are probably looking for their shotguns right now.  The next morning we watch him repeat the same endearing words to JoJo that he said to Lauren. yikes.

In staged scenes of contemplation Ben explains to the camera that he now knows Caila is no longer in the running.   But sadly she has no clue and has decided she should surprise Ben in another weird sunset colored sports bra shirt.  With her perma grin she sneaks up on a not so excited to see her, Ben.  We all know she's going to be leaving in tears.  As she grabs his hand he lets it go and sits down for a talk.  She takes the rejection like a champ and sobs her way to the airport.

At the rose ceremony, Jojo in a hot plunging floral dress and Lauren in a red drapey swimsuit cover up like dress, both separately tell Chris that Ben told them they love them.  Both girls stand there looking confident and are smugly thinking about how they've got this!  Each get a rose and think of how excited they are to be Ben's wife.  Ben on the other hand is sweating and looking like he's going to pass out.  WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO?!???

Were you all dying watching this episode, yelling things at the TV like I was?  And what is with the previews of the finale?!  Who is he talking to on that rose gold iphone of his???   And if you read a spoiler you are NOT allowed to comment!   People what are your guesses???

Lacking Dramatics in the Hometowns

It's home town dates!  This is usually when you see the strange and sometimes bizarre side of the girls and their families, but this season was a bit different.  I attribute it to Ben's ability to sift through the crazies and keep the sweet normal girls.  To be honest, I didn't have much to mock for this post.  So sad.

First we find ourselves in Laguna, CA.  Amanda arrives in her weird black shirt that looks like its about to fall off (did JoJo borrow it from her for her first one on one back in Vegas?) and a pair of cut off shorts.  They sit on the beach and await the arrival of her daughters, Kinsley and Charlie.  I wanted to cry with her as she cuddled her pigtailed babies that she's missed so much.  Then there was awkward introductions (kids are so great at that) and after warming up to him there was some frolicking on the beach.  The crying baby on the way home from the beach was a perfect reality bit for this "reality" show.  Meeting mom and dad wasn't as easy.  They're quite skeptical that he's ready to jump into being a full time dad.   Mom wonders, "he would be a great dad but does he want to be an instant dad?"  As Amanda confides with Mom we see a very vulnerable and real Amanda, and I like her.  She may not be right for Ben, but she's a quality girl and I wish her the best (see, I'm saying goodbye already!)

Next is Portland Oregon, and Lauren is dressed in about 5 different layers, but still her tank top doesn't quite cover her bra.  It's an updated grunge look of red flannel and a black leather jacket.  She is a woman after my own heart and takes him out for an afternoon of food trucks!  Yay we're actually seeing these people eat.  After, she surprises him with a whiskey library.  Cool place.  Is there a mormon version of this?  Maybe a chocolate library.  Eat millions of different kinds of chocolate in a cozy romantic atmosphere.  oh yeah.  Then it's off to meet her fam.  It's a darling home, picture perfect little family and an 18 year old dog Tessa.  While Lauren's sister grills him with hard questions of what makes Lauren different from all the other girls he loves, I start to worry about how he's going to answer, he stumbles, can't think of anything, but saves himself by crying.  Who could resist such sensitivity!  Lauren opens up to her family more than we've seen before declaring that "Ben is "my person, I was meant to meet Ben".  This could be true!!  She longs to tell him how she feels, but regrets not having the guts to do it as he drives away to meet someone else's family.

In Hudson, OH we meet up with Caila and I am not digging her frumpy cable knit turtleneck and puffy jacket.  I used to love her constant smileyness and chipper attitude, but now I'm wondering if she's just trying too hard.   She shows Ben around the town, and ends up at her dad's toy factory in hard hats and goggles making plastic houses.  After the cheesy allusion to an old 80s show (totally the Officer and a Gentleman ending) they arrive at her parents home.  Her Filipino mother has a feast of chicken adobo and pancit, traditional Filipino food.  That's food I've actually eaten!  Bryan (he served a mission in the Philipines) has cooked it for me!  It's so yummy!! But before he got to take a bite of it, her mom grabs him for a heart to heart.  Later, while Caila talks to her mom we see the deeper side of Caila and how much she really loves Ben.  She's sure that he's the one.  And just like Lauren, we see her wishing she had told him she loved him as he drives off to see girl #4.

JoJo in Dallas Texas starts things off finding flowers and a love letter from her ex boyfriend on her front doorstep.  She was initially so excited, thinking it was from Ben, but then realizes it's from her cheating ex.  There's tears and a weird phone call before Ben arrives to a makeup streaked JoJo.  They bond over this "real" moment and then head over to meet her parents.  I actually wasn't expecting a family like she had.  Mafia like brothers, the gargantuan home, Mom's plastic surgery, all way more over the top than I saw JoJo being.   Mom and Dad were nice and supportive, but her brothers, well they scared me, I can't imagine how they must have made Ben feel!  So intimidating!!  Give poor sensitive Ben a break!  It ain't easy falling in love with 4 women all at the same time.

Rose ceremony - All girls brought their A-game when it came to their dresses.  JoJo looks slammin' in her hot red dress.  Amanda's pale lace number is super sexy without going over the top.  Caila in a modest black floral dress looks beautiful.  And Lauren's black off the shoulder dress was actually a little boring in comparison (I like her better in color).  And the roses go to Lauren, Caila and JoJo.  I called it before he said it.  Not too worried about Amanda's future.  She's darling and sweet and seems like a good mama.  It will happen for her, just not with Ben!  So which two girls do you think he tells that he loves them??

Drama in the Bahamas

So we ended things with the despicable To Be Continued status last week, so after a quick refresher on the tactless Teen Mom comment, we're back to Ben talking to Olivia about what all the girls had said about her.  And in her defense Olivia says things like, "Everyone here is really into stuff like painting their nails and braiding each other's hair.  That's great.  But I'm just different.  I like reading books in my room and like thinking and I want to talk smart things"  Bwaahahahaha!!  Oh girlfriend, you could not get more annoying.  First off, we've seen footage of you happily painting your nails, and you are NOT the only smart girl on this show, and to be honest I question YOUR intellect.  But Ben lets her keep that rose she's so firmly gripping in her hand and instead ditches the girl with the long dark hair.  Not surprising since we all still don't know who she is, which is always the giveaway to the girls we don't need to get to know.

So off to the Bahamas they go.  Caila gets the one on one, AGAIN!  Yay!  But sadly she chose a bright blue turtleneck half top to wear on her date.  yowza.   Back at the suite, poor Leah, who has fabulous eyebrows, and who hasn't gotten any time with Ben, is totally falling apart.  Understandable.  She's had zero one on one time with Ben and Caila is now on round 2!  Not a good sign for ya!  Back on the yacht, Caila, in her cute bikini looks like a Skipper Barbie while she reels in her humoungo fish.  Whoa!  And check out that tat on Ben's side, it's like an entire paragraph.  Everything is rainbows and sparkles until they sit down at dinner.  He pries at her to open up.  And then everything she says for next few minutes makes absolutely no sense.  Ben honey, you were not alone in all that confusion.  I did gather that she feels like she's in love because she is understood.  Ok, that doesn't make sense either, cuz that's not what being in love is about.  In the end, he's happy with whatever it was that he did understand, enough to give her a rose, and they kiss (nice closed mouth kisses) over untouched plates full of food and glasses full of wine.

Group date - Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, Jo Jo, Lauren H and Leah - there are lots of acid wash cutoff jean shorts, another nice boat and a whole lot of squealing girls in bikinis.  This was one of the oddest dates I've ever seen.  They're off to feed swimming pigs.  Yes, you heard me right.  Apparently there is an island which houses a herd of swimming swine!  So hand the girls a hotdog, teach them the somehow understood by wild pigs sign for "I don't have anymore hotdogs" and kick them into the water.  Poor JoJo almost got eaten by a group of pigs.  They apparently couldn't see her signing while half way under the water with pigs on top of her.  Maybe it was the freaky pigs, maybe it was seeing your boyfriend flirting with your friends, but for some reason the date wasn't a hit.  That night each girl tried to reconnect with their man.  Leah's tactics were a bit more desperate. In a terrible iridescent purple dress she turns into a mean girl, and apparently thinks that backstabbing a friend would be beneficial to her.  Instead the whole mess gets cute Lauren B crying (why doesn't my crying look as cute as her crying?  She's just as gorgeous with her hair thrown up in a messy bun, a darling red rubbed nose and big watery eyes!) and worrying about Ben doubting her intentions and completely BACKFIRES on Leah as he sees through the sabotage and ends up asking Leah to leave!!  Ha!

Lastly there is a two on one with Olivia and Emily!!  I'm hoping that neither one gets rose and they both go home.  The entire date was a mess.  Somehow they were approved to head out on a boat during what seemed like a hurricane, in terrible swimsuits (hello Dolly Parton fringe!), with hair flying everywhere (for the love, could someone have given Emily a rubber band!), full of awkward conversations and the most boring date ever.  They literally sat on the beach in a storm.  Just sat there.  Things got much better when he was ready to give out the rose.  I found myself sitting on my couch totally smiling as he said good bye to Olivia!!  And then chuckled as Olivia watched Emily squeal with delight as she got the rose.  And yes, it may have been a little dramatic to leave Olivia crying all alone on the beach in the rain, as Ben and Emily canoodled in the departing boat, but you know we all thoroughly enjoyed it.

After all the drama in the Bahamas, Ben decided he wasn't up for a cocktail party and they went straight to the rose ceremony.  And Roses go to: Beautiful Becca, always in some cool dress JoJo, sweet Lauren B and mama Amanda. Goodbye Lauren H.  They gave us some fun sneak peaks at the end!!  Looks like it WILL be the most dramatic ending ever!  I think it sounded like Becca on the phone in that last scene.  Did you??

Love in Las Vegas

So it's finally time to take this show on the road.  Sadly it's to Las Vegas.  Really people, this city is not that cool.  The private plane that took them there was though.  Pretty sweet suite too!

And the first date card says that JoJo gets the one on one.  I'm digging her purplish grey nail color, but not her her high waisted short shorts (note to everyone listening, this high waisted thing does NOT look good on anyone!) and a top that looks like its about to fall off at any time.  He brings her up to the roof top for a drink while waiting for helicopter of love #2 to arrive to pick them up.  What braniac thought it was good idea to put a light IKEA table on a heli pad??  They're lucky the thing didn't take them out when it went flying  across the roof!  Of course once they were able to turn it into a wind blockade it worked to her advantage cuz that wind coulda taken that shirt of hers right off!  Once they're in the helicopter they make out instead of looking out the window because lets be honest there's not much to look at.  It's like a mile of buildings and porn.  Luckily she didn't have to spend too much in that not so cute outfit and switched into a more classy black lace top and black pants.  As they cuddle on a couch and discuss her insecurities that are caused by her last relationship where she wasn't the only one her boyfriend was kissing, Ben consoles her, telling her he's different and then kisses her, leaving out the fact that he too is kissing other women!  Anyone else see the irony here?  Yes JoJo, no need to worry,  you're safe with Ben and his 15 other girlfriends, so take that rose.

Next is the group date with Amanda, Jubillee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, the Double Mint Twins, Leah, Lauren H (who I've decided is Anna from Downton Abbey! That is, if Anna wore make up and had long flowing hair), Jennifer, Rachel (wearing a darling animal print romper! way to look classy and finally stand out!) and Olivia (who has suddenly realized that she's not the only girl dating Ben).  The girls get to put on a talent show for a Vegas audience.  Ha!  It's like the talent portion of the Miss USA pageant, pretty girls trying to pretend they have talents!  The Double Mint twins are Riverdancers, Jubilee legitimately plays the cello, Lauren is a chicken…. and Olivia decided on just shaking her stuff in something skimpy.  It was bad.  She knew it.  Panic attack ensued.  She is falling apart.  The cocktail party that night was full of lots of super short dresses (it never looks good when they sit down).  Olivia's hair and dress looked like she was part of the cast of the old 80's show Dallas.  And Ben made out over and over again with just about every girl he talked to.  And the rose went to sweet Lauren B!

Now this is when things got good!  Becca got the next one on one date! Love her!  A huge box arrives for her and it's a not so cute wedding gown.  But so fun to dress up!  She's picked up in a pink Cadillac and taken to The Chapel of Love (one of the 50 in Las Vegas).  It's the Britney Spears version of Vegas.  But instead of getting married, Ben and Becca will be marrying people.  Yep you heard me right, they will be performing other peoples weddings!  Becca ditches the wedding dress for a darling white lace somewhat flower child like dress.  Loved her hair pulled half up in a messy bun.  Ben looked great taking off the tie and a few buttons to show some little wisps of chest hair for the more relaxed sexy look.  They make one hot couple.  The couples they married on the other hand, not so much.  So after a few ceremonies they're back in the cute pink Cadi, and drive to the neon sign graveyard, which I guess is supposed to be romantic.  I can tell Becca is WAY more into Ben than she ever was with Chris.  Ben is smart to question her about her experience on the last show though.  He doesn't want to end up with her not really caring about him at the end, the way Chris did.  Does anyone else think she has the cutest nose.  I would pick her nose if I ever needed a new one.  Anyway, they kiss a lot, with a lot of tongue, and then she gets the rose.

Back at the suite, Chris calls all the girls together and whoa!  I wouldn't have even recognized Emily or Haley with out their makeup.  Chris announces that there will be one more and date and its a two on one with the Double Mint Twins!!!  It's like I planned this episode!  They get an early hometown date with the twins' mom and like 10 dachshund dogs.  This date is super confusing for me, cuz I never know which girl he's talking to.  One of them had a bunch of old pics of her and her ex still up all around her room.  Awkward.  So glad he's cutting one of them.  I don't really care which one he pics, it's all the same to me!  And so while the twins hold hands, he tells Haley goodbye.  I think she's the one without the broken thumb.  A few minutes later Emily is curled up in the limo with Ben, and Haley curls up with her wiener dog and cries.

Rose ceremony cocktail party, held poolside.  I'm soooooo tired of Olivia's face.  She's had way too much camera time.  I'd like to get to know Amanda better, or Rachel or Jennifer or Leah.  Just give someone else some camera time!  And the roses go to Amanda (who it looks like we'll see more of next week), Lauren H straight from Downton Abby, Insecure Jubilee, Emily (whose matte red lipstick in on pointe and is now missing her other half), Caila (looking gorgeous in sparkly white), Jennifer (who we still don't know anything about), Leah (did you catch a glimpse at that neckline!  Wowza) and…. please not Olivia, please not Olivia…. and Olivia.  ugh.  noooooooo!  Adios Rachel, who we never got to know. Sad.  And Amber, yeah bye, shoulda left a long time ago.  And it's hola to Mexico next week!

The Mean Girls Have Arrived

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So tonight the mean girls arrived on the scene.  Groups of the ladies are gathered to gab about each other all over the mansion.  One gaggle is discussing the "fact" that supposedly Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes!!  Yowza!  Maybe that includes makeup cuz, wow, she looks really different without her makeup.  I'm not bagging on that at all.  I do too.  You should see the zit I've been covering up for the last few days!

When the highly anticipated date card shows up at the door we see it's a one on one for Lauren B!  Yay!  Ben must have read my last post!!!  I so wanted to get to know her better!  He arrives in a classic topless mustang.  Totally hot car, but I feel so sorry for Lauren cuz she's got long gorgeous hair, well at least it was gorgeous before it was flying all over the place at 70m miles per hour!  She's a flight attendant but funny enough she was totally freaked out by the tiny stunt airplane that they're going for a ride in. I guess that's quite different than the usual 747.  But oh she is just so sweet!   How could he NOT be totally into her as they're squished into a tiny cockpit together.  They zip through the sky, trying to keep down lunch I'm sure, and do a fly by over the jealous bachelorettes lounging lazily at the pool below.  The tight quarters on the plane made it easy to squeeze in a couple sweet kisses, though their microphones got in the way a few times.  After they're dropped off in the middle of nowhere, but this nowhere magically has a famous Bachelor hot tub all primed and ready for them to make out in. Love her darling messy bun.  My hair never looks that good after wind and being in a hot tub. That night for dinner Lauren dressed up in a darling white lace dress.  He could've done better than a bland brownish vneck.  They ate (actually, they pretended to eat again, what is up with not touching the food in front of them!) and talked family and family values.  It's so nice to see the Bachelor opening up as much as the Bachelorette.  He has such a tender heart.  And now they're off to another private concert where he dances and makes out with Lauren.  Oh they're both so darling and perfect for each other.  I like that he likes nice girls.

Group date card is for Amanda, Haley Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily and it's at the Los Angeles Colosseum.  It's a lycra and spandex party, with some soccer thrown in.   And the competition begins, winning team gets to go to the after party, losers head back to the mansion.  It reminded me of watching my 6 year old's soccer games.  The losers hobbled home in tears while the winners (Lace, Amber, Olivia, one of the twins (not sure which one), Jami and Leah) get to dress up and fight over time with Ben.  Olivia steals him first, surprise surprise, while the other ladies discuss her ugly toes (is that really all they can come up with).  I'm liking Olivia less and less, and it has nothing to do with her toes.  Confidence can be so beautiful on a woman, but being overly confident, no bueno.  Weirdly Amber got a kiss and the rose that night, even though I was reading his body language as totally not into her.

The last one on one date goes to an ecstatic and totally unsuspecting Jubilee.  Dressed in a white mock turtleneck and white cropped sweatpants with heels…eek… you can tell she is super nervous.  The first helicopter of love of the season has arrived to pick Jubilee and Ben up and took them to a gorgeous health spa for the day.  A day of pampering and fancy food is awesome, but it's not always good when you have to spit out your food in front of the guy you like before you throw it up.  Yep caviar is much different than hotdogs girlfriend.  She looked pretty darn good in her gold bikini but her nails really scare me. She could stab someone with those things.  That night, in her leather and lycra mini, Ben gets deep with Jubilee, talking about her hard past.  And her many layers wins her the rose.

Cocktail party/Rose ceremony: Ben looking nicely shaven, announces that he has learned that 2 of his family friends have tragically died, and Olivia sees this as the perfect time to steal him away to discuss her cankles.  Say what?!  Where are her nurturing qualities?  Jubilee on the other hand knows how to care for a grieving man.  Now I know all the girls were aghast at her idea to put Ben on a massage table and give him a rub down, but I have to hand it to that gal, what man can resist that kind of love and tenderness?  My husband would LOVE me to do that when he's sad or frustrated about something.  Smart girl.  Sometimes I am deeply embarrassed for these girls, I can't even call them ladies, cuz they're not acting like it.  They're ganging up on Jubilee like immature teenagers cuz, lets be honest they're jealous.  Poor Ben looks exhausted from all drama.  Then in a surprise event, Lace pulls Ben aside and tells him she needs to go home.  Whoa!  Was not expecting that!  But I gotta give her props for realizing this scene isn't the best for her.  Maybe she's not as crazy as we all think she is!  I just hope Ben is more relieved than insecure about another girl choosing not to be there.  He is just such a nice guy!!

And the roses go to:  Wanna Be Soccer mom Lauren H, sweet Amanda who needs some more camera time!, Becca who I'm hoping will get the next one on one date, the Taylor swift twins (come on two on one), Rachel (meh), Caila the other nice girl, Jo Jo, Jennifer, Leah and Olivia (I was so hoping for a blindside but maybe their "secret unspoken language" isn't totally in her head….wait no, we all know it is.  Goodbye weird pantsuit girl Shushanna and Jami, in a cute blue slip dress, who is going to stop expecting anything from humans (huh?).

Looking forward to the all the crazies next week!!

Does Bachelor Ben Smell Love?

Why must we always start things off watching the Bachelor get dressed?  I didn't need to know that he's wearing tighty whities (well, blue ones).  First Group Date: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi Jo Jo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace.    Ben's taking them back to high school.  Maybe they did know the theme for this date before going because all the outfits they're wearing are straight out of high school.  Come on girls, for a first date, try something more unique or classy.  There's science projects, bobbing for apples, an embarrassing geography lesson, PE and finally some hurdles to win the chance to be homecoming queen.  Crazy Dr Mandi won it all.  But it looks like that just means they get to drive around the stadium a few times in a nice topless mustang. Whoo hoo.

That night Ben went in for a first kiss with Jackie! Looks like he thinks he's ready for the physical stuff to begin… because he knows them SO much better now.  And I've decided Lace reminds me of an even less likable Kristen Stewart.  I don't know if its the way she looks or the way she talks through her teeth instead of actually opening her mouth.  Jubilee is looking bootylishous in her purple lycra.  Jo Jo pulled a Maria Vontrapp move and made her dress out of the pale blue curtains in her room last night (awful material, awful fit!), but what a place for a first kiss, looking out at the entire city, so romantic, if you avoid the fact that he kissed another girl a few minutes before.  And JoJo gets the rose.

Next Date Card: Caila wins the first one on one date.  Though it wasn't technically one on one since Ice Cube and Kevin Hart got to go along too.  Basically it was just one big advertisement for their new movie Ride Along.  They kept it classy with road side flowers, a liquor store and a romantic dip in a spa… that's still in the store… with Kevin Hart.  Basically a repeat of the date with Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel (remember Costco and a hot tub scene with him?).  Finally they got to ditch the Ride Along crew.  Caila is the sweet, happy kind of pretty… like her goodness inside oozes out and shines through making her even prettier than she is.  The best kind of pretty.  And I'm thinking the food on their table is a prop, cuz they never ever took a bite and left it untouched on the table after she got the rose.  I hope they got to eat some real food at some point.  They ended things with their own Amos Lee concert, Ben singing to her as they danced and some kissing.  Definitely a great ending to their date.

Then its the next group date with Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda and this group is off to the love lab.  They will all be tested on the "science"that makes up love.  First they stick them in matching white tanks and itty bitty shorts, then plop them on a treadmill to exercise so Ben could check out their odor.  Bet they were are praying their deodorant was working.  Next the computers checked their thermal reactions to being with each other.  And the winner was Olivia, who is going to end up catching a fly in that big wide frog mouth of hers.  Apparently the science proves that Ben and Olivia have the best chance at love, but let's be honest, all those test show is that they have chemistry, and that's just piece of being in love.  Poor Sam was just plain ol' sour, her smell and about low her score was.

That evening Olivia made sure they continued where they left off at the love lab and got her kiss.  I'm sure Ben spent some time trying to figure out ways to distinguish between the DoubleMint Twins.  Shushanna really does speak English!!  Digging her legit Russian accent.  And I think Amanda wins for the best dress.  Loved the soft pink lacey ensemble.  That and her nice talk about her littles won her some smooches.  And yet the rose went to increasingly annoying Olivia.

Cocktail party, Olivia stole him away for some kissing which ticked off lots of girls.  Lace continues to let the crazy show as well as the tape holding her dress straps on.  Lauren B received a sweet gift of a picture of the two of them on the first night from Ben.  I really want her to get a one on one date, cuz I want to get to know her better, oh and I want Ben to get to know her better too.  Then he gave a gift to  Lauren H too.  And the gifts keep coming!  For Amanda he thought they'd make some rose hair clips for their…oops I mean HER girls.  Wouldn't he make a cute family man!  We (me and Amanda) may have gotten a little teary at such a sweet gesture.  Did he sit down with some producer lady and ask for sweet ideas for unique gifts for each girl, or is he really that darling?

And the roses go to:  Amanda in sparkly gold, Jubilee in black velvet, Lauren B in a yellow lace bib, Leah in boring black, Becca who rocks everything she wears, Rachel (oh is she still here?), crazy taped up Lace, LB that gorgeous Okie….. who decided NOT to take a rose?!!!  Say what?!  NO, she was lovely!  How does he shake that off?   Ben you are lovable!  Don't let that get to you!  Then he's right back to handing out roses.  Jennifer in a weirdly cut fuchsia dress, Emily or was it Haley (does it matter? They both got a rose anyway. I want to see a two on one date with those two!!  Wouldn't that be awesome TV, to see him have to pick between the two!), Jamie, Lauren H in super yellow, Shushanna who has had a fabulous melt done on her hair, and Amber, who I'm pretty sure got the, I guess I'll pick you now that LB left, rose.

So "ladies I'm sorry" the goodbyes are for a girl in pink, the crazy dentist Mandi and stinky Sam.

Next week I'm hoping Olivia keeps her dang mouth closed, Lace doesn't get a rose and that Amanda and Lauren B get the one on one dates!  What are you hoping for?

Ben's Beginning as Bachelor

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Can you believe I completely forgot that the Bachelor was airing last night?  Seriously.  I watched The Biggest Loser last night, because "nothing" else was on…. and I needed to watch "something" to distract me from eating all the leftover junk in my fridge that I'm committed to NOT eating.  Ugh.  Anyway, my friend Scott actually pointed out that my secret (or not so secret) bit of trash TV was on last night and boy was I grateful for primetime tv DVR!  Go Dish Network!

Anywho, so the new Bachelor is Ben, from last year's Kaitlyn season.  He was the nice guy.  Still seems like a nice guy.  Looks like he's from a small American town, was the high school quarterback, has parents still in love after 30 somethin' years, looks better clean shaven than with his little bit of facial hair and needs to shave his chest (instead of the patchy thing going on).  He is greeted by his Bachelor comrades (2 successfully married with the help of this show and 1 continuing his Bachelorhood) where they discuss his crazy days ahead.  It must have been hot because they all had sweaty pits by the end of the bonding sesh.

Now lets meet the gals!!

Lauren B - flight attendant (first out of the limo in a dusty blue strapless)
Caila - believes in fate, literally JUMPED into his arms and was almost left hanging
Jubilee - war vetran, could definitely kick Ben's butt, and was using lots of boob tape so they didn't fall out of her white low loooow cut dress
Mandi - "embraces the weird" and is one freaky dentist   Wore a red rose the size of a watermelon on her head to meet Ben.
Emily and Haley - the doublemint twins, even met him together, and annoyingly look like Taylor Swift wannabes
Amanda - one hot momma, left her 2 baby girls to be on the show
Tara - cat, I mean chicken lady, seriously wacked, where do they find people like this?
Samantha - lawyer, dad had ALS, looked rad in her red lace dress
Jennifer - boring in black
Jami - Canadian bartender with a cute lace short dress and a bad pun about how big his... heart is
Lace - tricked him into the first kiss, then partook in too much alcohol (when will these people learn!?) and then got really nutso by the end of the night

WOW anyone else notice there is a LOT of lace this season!!

No name - she talked and talked and then left him without speaking her name or letting him get a word in and remains nameless the rest of the night
Shushanna - not sure what she was speaking... he had no idea either…maybe Russian?
Leah - bent over (not so gracefully, actually it was a bit vulgar) to hike a football to him.  Ew.
Joelle JoJo - thought a unicorn head would be attractive
Lauren H - brought dead flowers (blond rats nest on her head)
Laura - AKA Red Velvet…. because of her red hair
Maegan - and her mini horse, cuz she's a cowgirl
Breanne - I don't like her cuz she thinks gluten in bad.  Bread is my friend.
Izzy - wore onesie footie pajamas
Rachel - rode in one one of those popular hoverboards, sad it didn't explode, now that would have been exciting!
Jessica - simple, pretty, genuine "hello I'm excited its you Ben"
Tiara - should be brunette I think, instead of her blonde
Lauren LB - pretty warm brunette in fuchsia pink
Jackie - seems sweet, brought their save the date card
Olivia - the news anchor, sparkly, dimpled and a lot of cleavage, who wouldn't like all that

Then dun dun dun, two more bachelorettes show up.  Its Becca (who I LOVED but has serious relationship issues), and Amber who I don't remember at all!  And I'm pretty sure I won't remember her after this season either.

So far he's a totally genuine good guy, calls his parents mid show and explains to girls throwing themselves at the him that he's not jumping into kissing everyone, wants to actually get to know them first!  Maybe he's too nice for this show.

Sparkly Olivia gets the first impression rose and I TOTALLY called it!

And the roses go to: pretty little blonde Lauren B, LB (looks like my gorgeous friend Chalee), super chipper Caila, unremarkable Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, hot mama Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, the DoubleMint Twins (I mean how do you pick just one?), Shushanna (I wonder if she ever spoke English?), Lauren H, Becca (holla!), Mandi (why must we continue with her bizarreness) and Lotsa Lace.

I don't have a favorite thus far.  Do you?